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More Certified 100% Canadian Content

Most Americans wonder what goes on north of their border.  Who are those people?  And why do they come to the States to misbehave? 

Here’s your chance between those long training runs to test your Canadian I.Q. 

  1. Was there a vast glacial conspiracy to steal all the topsoil off the Canadian shield and dump it in the States, or was it simply a project to stockpile the soil where it wouldn’t freeze?
  2. What is the origin of the name Canada?
  3. Do Canadians speak with an accent?
  4. Why is the Canadian flag red and white?
  5. How far north do you have to go in Canada before you get to Detroit?
  6. How far southwest do you have to go in Canada before you get to France?
  7. What is the technical term for Canadian beer containing less than 6% alcohol?
  8. Why do Canadian towns have a wide variety of international restaurants?
  9. Will Canadians finally give up resisting American cultural takeover and be assimilated into the U.S., considering that the 2004-2005 hockey season has been cancelled?
  10. Do Americans really laugh at Canadians? 
  11. Will the U.S. invade Canada again?
  12. What is the greatest Canadian military exploit of the last 50 years?
  13. Why does crossing the border from Canada into the U.S. feel like crossing the border from the U.S. into Mexico?
  14. If you wake up at night in a vehicle being searched at the U.S.-Canada border, which country are you trying to enter?
  15. What kind of pistol can you bring into Canada?
  16. What’s the difference between the millions of foreign visitors to the U.S. and Canada?
  17. Are Canadians really opposed to global warming?
  18. So, what are the politics of Canada?
  19. On a scale of 1 to 10, how socialist is Canada?
  20. Does Canada have sales tax?
  21. Who is the greatest Canadian athlete of all time?
  22. Who is the first Canadian to appear on a Canadian coin?
  23. Who is the second-greatest Canadian athlete of all time?
  24. Why are Grizzly Bears an endangered species in the States while Canada has more than they can chase across the border?
  25. Is it possible to outrun a Grizzly, metrically speaking?

And the answers are:

  1. Yes.
  2. The politically correct explanation is that it derives from Kanata, a Huron-Iroquoian word for village or settlement, used when the Iroquois were pointing the way to their village (now Quebec City) to Jacques Cartier in 1535.  The word went on to fill a huge blank spot on Cartier’s map.  But perhaps it was first spoken by an earlier Spanish explorer looking for fame and fortune, who while visiting the same coastline remarked, “acá nada,” meaning There’s Nothing Here, and filled in his map accordingly.
  3. Most do, those who froze their tongues to metal objects during childhood.
  4. Because a plaid flag would be harder to manufacture.
  5. From Windsor, Ontario it’s just across the Detroit River. 
  6. From Fortune, Newfoundland it’s a quick boat ride to the island of Saint-Pierre, which is French territory.
  7. Export.
  8. Because there is no such thing as Canadian cuisine.
  9. No.  Canada’s principal reason for existence since the American Revolution has been to not be part of the U.S. (except Quebec, which doesn’t even want to be part of Canada).  But hockey’s a close second.
  10. Yes, in an absent-minded way.  Perhaps they laugh at what they’ve lost that Canadians still have.
  11. Not a trick question.  American troops burned Toronto during the War of 1812.  Canada’s British sovereign retaliated by burning down Washington.  That hostile exchange still retains its appeal, but the two nations now enjoy the world’s longest undefended border, so don’t expect a repeat anytime soon.  Besides, Americans only invade defended borders where their state-of-the-art weaponry makes for great TV.
  12. In 1957 foreign minister Lester B. Pearson conceptualized the UN Peacekeeping Force, for which he won the Nobel Peace Prize.  Canadian troops have since been active as peacekeepers worldwide.
  13. For a variety of reasons, none of which one should have to substantiate in a class action suit.
  14. If they’re looking for bear spray, you’re trying to enter Canada.  If they’re looking for prescription drugs, you’re trying to enter the U.S.
  15. A water pistol.
  16. In the U.S. they’re called illegal immigrants.  In Canada they’re called tourists.
  17. Only during their summer (July 20-22).
  18. Socially liberal and fiscally conservative.  Basically the opposite of the U.S.
  19. About a 12.
  20. Yes, the GST (Gouge & Screw Tax, or Goods & Services Tax). Foreign citizens can qualify for a partial refund when they leave the country.
  21. Terry Fox, who ran across two-thirds of Canada on one leg before losing his battle with cancer. In Canada Terry is revered on the same level as Gandhi and Mother Theresa. Terry’s mother recently was an Olympic flag bearer in the opening ceremony of the Vancouver games. http://www.terryfoxrun.org
  22. Terry Fox, on the 2005 loonie.
  23. Wayne Gretsky, of course, probably your answer to Question # 21.
  24. The question prompts for a political opinion.  There is no correct answer.
  25. Trick question. You never have to outrun a Grizzly. You only need to outrun the slowest member of your group.

How did you do?

25 correct answers – Try reading the questions before the answers.

4 - 24 correct answers – You’re obviously Canadian.

3 correct answers – You’re obviously familiar with Canadian beer and Detroit.

1 - 2 correct answers – You’re obviously familiar with Canadian beer.

0 correct answers – Try reading the answers before the questions.

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How’s your Canadian grammar? 

Sampler of common Canadianisms

A Boot – Approximately, almost, or in reference to.  “It’s a boot time you got here.”

All Dressed – A pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms and green peppers

Antifreeze – Wiser’s Canadian Whiskey, sweet and tasty in spite of its strong rubbing-alcohol fragrance. It is extremely popular in the bush of the Yukon and Northwest Territories..

Arret – What is written on stop signs in Quebec. All traffic signs in that province are only in French.

Back Bacon – Thick slices of ham fried up for breakfast.  Known in the States as Canadian bacon.

Barley Sandwich – Beer.

Brekkie – Breakfast.

Big Whoop – Big deal (in an inconsequential sense).

Book Off – Leave work.

Boxing Day – The day after Christmas, a British traditional holiday for leaving gift boxes out for milkmen, mail carriers etc.

Bunny Hug – A hooded sweatshirt (like the one the Unabomber modeled for his police sketch).

Canadian – A term Americans use when traveling abroad to avoid exploitation, public humiliation, arrest and physical injury.

Canadian Content – Entertainment from a Canadian citizen presented in Canadian style.  Presentations compromised to an American style don’t really count (sorry Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Alanis Morisette, Avril Lavigne, Joni Mitchell, Loreena McKennitt, Nickelback, Neil Young, Rush, Mike Myers, Leslie Nielsen, Michael J. Fox, Jim Carrey, yes you Pamela Anderson, etc).  For genuine Canadian Content in the comedy realm try The Frantics  http://www.thefrantics.com.  Here’s a taste:  “We are so privileged to be able to tell these great Canadian stories on the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company), stories that are going out coast to coast into hundreds of homes.”

Cannimed – Dried medicinal marijuana grown in a high security facility 1200 feet underground in northern Manitoba.

Canuck – Colloquial or slang word for Canadian.  Usually not derogatory, but handy when Canadian Army troopers need a rhyming word in a ditty.  (See also “Limerick”)

Chimo (chee-mo) – A supposedly Inuit (Eskimo) word for Hello (in an Aloha or Ciao sense).  It was in common usage as the National Greeting for all of three weeks in 1970.

Cuba – A warm cheap tropical vacation paradise with great cigars and no Americans.

Curling – A game played on numerous indoor rinks throughout the country using stones of Scottish granite and a lot of time to kill. Its terminology is completely baffling to the uninitiated, but you haven’t lived until you’ve got the opposing team shaking in a seven-ender after delivering the hammer from the hack kizzle kazzle on the broom through a hog line port to draw raise for a triple from the house then come around to the button. This game embodies the Canadian virtue of absolute politeness to your opponent, but you are required to scream at your own teammates.

Deckuls – Stickers (decals)

Denial – 1. A condition in which a person believes Canada can be culturally isolated from the United States (see “Seventyfive Miles”).  2. A river in Egypt.

Dildoian – A resident of Dildo, Newfoundland.

Donair – A pita bread meat wrap, similar to a gyro. The meat is beef, and the sauce resembles a sweet & tangy salad dressing that must drip profusely when bitten to be authentic. An actual Canadian creation out of Nova Scotia, it is available at pizza outlets across the country, including those that deliver.

Edmonton Mall – Properly called the West Edmonton Mall and located in Canada’s northernmost large city, it’s damn near the largest mall in the world, and certainly the most diversified.  With its enclosed waterpark with slides and a five-acre lake with surf, dolphin shows, submarine rides, casino, theme-room hotel and an extensive array of other amusements, it is a major in-country vacation destination for the winter-weary.

Eh – A catch-all interrogative.  Roughly means Huh, but in the affirmative (obviously classier than Huh), or “Wouldn’t You Agree?”  “Stop making fun of us, eh.”

Eye Goggles – Glasses, spectacles.

Flat – Case, as in a flat of beer.  (Flats have handles large enough to accommodate mittens.)

Four Tooth Minimum – Dress code for hockey player.

Garburetor – Garbage disposal.

Great White North – 'Another name for Canada.

HBC – Here Before Christ, refers to the Hudson’s Bay Company, founded in 1670. One of the oldest corporations still in existence, it has the distinction of having spun off the third-largest nation in the world.

Hockey – Canada’s national sport where, if you and an opposing player disagree on a point of procedure, play is stopped while you beat up on each other. A fan’s most common lament: “I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.”

Horizon – The portion of the southern sky towards which satellite dishes point..

Homo – (in big letters on the carton) Homogenized milk. .

Hoser – 1. A clumsy, uncouth or vulgar man whose main interests are beer drinking and hockey. 2. An intelligence-challenged man whose habits are slightly offensive but amusing. 3. (literal derivation) A beer drinking guy who spends an excessive amount of time urinating. 4. Any Canadian male. “What happened to all the beer, you hoser?” The term can be either an insult or backhanded compliment, depending on how far gone the guy is. Hosers are virtually a distinct social group, and consequently the target of jokes. (Q. What is the leading cause of death among Hosers? A. Lip cancer from second-hand chew.)

Humsuck – To drive at excessive speed.

Inukshuk – A stone marker, made of boulders or slab rock stacked to resemble a human, placed by the Inuit (Eskimo) to guide them in the featureless arctic.  An inukshuk named Illanaaq (Inuktitut for “friend”) volunteered to be the official logo for the winter Olympics in Vancouver.  OK, there’s the Canadian personality depicted by a stack of stones, but talk about rock-hard abs.

Jiggitinie – Did You Get Any (refers to fishing, dating, etc).

Juno – 1.  A Canadian Music Award, pretty much like a Grammy in the States, 2. The Normandy Beach Canadian troops took on D-Day despite heavy losses.

Land of Living Skies – According to its license plates, Saskatchewan.  While the term is ridiculous on many levels, if you’ve actually seen those skies and still disagree, you weren’t paying attention. 

Lesbigay – Any non-heterosexual.

Limerick – An Irish-style one-stanza poem of five verses. While a good saucy American limerick traditionally begins with, “There once was a man from Nantucket,” definitive Canadian limericks lead off with, “There once was a lass from Regina.”

Lookoff – A highway viewpoint in Nova Scotia.

Loonie –  A one-dollar 11-sided coin depicting a loon on a lake.

Molson muscle – Beer belly (when one has gone beyond six-pack abs to keg abs).

Mountie – A federal policeman who will mount anything.  (That’s their inside joke.  The Mounties remain a well-respected law enforcement service.)

Newfie – Of or from Newfoundland.

Northern Limit Of Trees – A rough boundary winding across Canada, in the vicinity of the Arctic Circle, beyond which trees aren’t found. South of it the climate is too brutal to allow trees to die.

Northwest Passage – A theoretical shipping route in arctic Canada through theoretically ice-free seas and connecting theoretically co-dependent ports.

Ookpik – An owl figurine made of sealskin, it served as the national mascot during the 1967 National Centennial.

PEI – Prince Edward Island. This small province is connected to the mainland by a nine-mile-long toll bridge. It’s free to drive to the island, but costs $42 to flee it.

Pogey – Welfare, unemployment benefits.

Poutine – (poo-teen) French fries smothered in cheesy gravy.

Poverty Pack – A six-pack of beer.

Puck Bunny – Female hockey team groupie.

Purtineer – Close, almost.  “Pierre got attacked by a bear and purtineer died.”

Ragged Ass Road – The most audacious street name in Canada, located in the old mining district of Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. The street sign disappeared with such regularity that a company was established to manufacture and sell them, http://www.raggedassroad.ca.

Retired – Mentally unbalanced (polite usage of retarded).  “That guy is out of control.  I think he’s retired.”

Sannie – A sandwich.

Saskatchewan – Originally from the Cree language, meaning swift flowing river. Usage of the term has since been expanded to indicate an endless frozen hellscape.

Screech – A Jamacian rum popular in Newfoundland.

Serviette – A napkin.

Seventyfive Miles –'> Distance from the U. S. border within which 90% of Canadians live.

Snag – 1. An abandoned settlement in the Yukon where the coldest temperature ever recorded in North America, -81.4°F, occurred on February 3, 1947. 2. A Sensitive New Age Guy.

Sorry – A Canadian baby’s first word.

Stemmy – Horny, aroused.

TCH – The TransCanada Highway.

Tim Hortons – The most common fast food outlet in Canada, a blend of McDonalds and Starbucks that offers light fare. It’s the solution to a Canadian’s daily dilemma: Do I want a little nourishment with my caffeine?

Teronno – Major city in Ontario.  Appears as “Toronto” on maps.

The Hat – Medicine Hat, a town in Alberta

Toofer – Literally two-four, meaning a flat of beer (see “Flat”).

Toonie –  A two-dollar bimetallic coin with the Queen on one side and a polar bear on the other. Also known as a Moonie (the Queen with a bear behind, of course).

Toon Town – Saskatoon, a town in Saskatchewan

Toque (tuque) – (rhymes with “duke”) A thick knitted stocking cap.

Tongue Trooper (aka Dan Aykroyd in the film “Canadian Bacon”) – The language police in Quebec, where English can’t be displayed, if displayed at all, in a manner that detracts from the accompanying French, although almost half of Quebec residents speak English, and French takes twice as many letters, half of them don’t get pronounced anyway, and you got to go to the first letter of the next word to figure out if you pronounce the last letter of the word you’re on, sacré merde, come on.

Tranna – see “Teronno”

Vegetarian (a term common in many of Canada’s indigenous languages) – Lousy hunter.

Whitener – Non-dairy creamer

Winnipeg – A Cree word for muddy water, it now refers to the collection of frosty buildings also known as Winterpeg.

Zed – A letter in the Canadian alphabet. Comes after “Y”.

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